America’s gravest secret
America’s gravest secret
Continued from last week
By Prof Munyonzwe Hamalengwa
6 pm, March 24, 2017: Trump calls Obama
Trump: Obama, I have been looking for you. You son of a gun, where have you been? Playing golf now that you have joined the millionaires’ club with your latest book deal of 60 million? It is not a big deal. Mine will be $120 cool millions. Or have you not yet finished exploring Michello?
Obama: It is Mr President Obama, godammit! How many times must I remind you? You white folks still think we are your slaves. It doesn’t matter what status a black man has reached you still treat him or her like nothing, like it is all smoke and mirrors. Look, I have been president of these United States. I deserve respect and I want to inculcate this forcefully in the current President of these United States, do you hear me?
Trump: I will whup your arse. Haven’t you during the campaign referred to me as The Donald? Fair is fair in love and war. Alright, since I need to cry on your shoulder I will comply this time, Mr President.
Obama: Now you are talking, Donald. My shoulder is padded and let the tears roll.
Trump: Mr President, how did you handle your first major loss as president? I just lost the major platform of my campaign promise, to supplant your health care law. Of course you must be very happy because you have survived but I am very distressed. Melania and her friends and my children are in there having dinner and laughing, but I am miserable. I can’t call that son of a gun George – whatever his middle name – Bush. He didn’t want me to win the presidency but preferred a liberal instead. I am closest to you than to all these former presidents. Bill Clinton and I frolicked together and explored a lot of women on my yachts but I can’t call him because of what I did to his wife. Tell me, how did you get over it?
Obama: There you go deluding yourself again, Donald. This is not your first major loss. You lost the presidency but for certain unknown or yet to be known forces. For certain you lost the popular vote. You should have taken a hint about how to govern.
Trump: Obama, you are not making it easier, are you? Give me a break. I won these elections fair and square. Why do you people keep hacking back to that redherring?
Obama: There you go again. It is President Obama. And what do you mean by “you people”. That is a loaded phrase when addressing an African-American. It means we don’t belong here. Listen, I just finished my second term as President of these United States, I bet you will serve one term.
Trump: Give me a break. Tell me something.
Obama: Okay, where was I ? Listen, don’t delude yourself. This is not your first major loss. You lost the first and second immigration executive orders that you had issued. Immigration was a major election plank for you. The courts embarrassingly stayed these orders including the appeals level in case of the first order to date. You didn’t help matters by insulting the judiciary. You can’t make enemies of the judiciary or the press. You can’t win a battle with the courts or media.
Trump: You treat the judicial orders as struck by the courts as a major loss?
Obama: Yes because they made you look no longer invincible. They mortally wounded you at the time you didn’t want or expect the setback. The loss of the healthcare bill was speculated on.
Trump: How do I handle the loss?
Obama: I ain’t telling you how to dismantle my signature achievement in the Oval Office? And what is this lie that I tapped into your phones when you were running for president? And then you soil the name of our first solid and historic ally the United Kingdom with same accusations.
Trump: Obama, I have told you repeatedly that I will be whipping up a frenzy against you during my presidency whenever I am in crisis and want to divert attention from myself. I can’t invade any nation because you and George and whatever his middle name is Bush, practically finished invading all countries that America has traditionally invaded or railed against to divert attention from domestic issues. Clinton was the worst in invading countries. You have literally been killing individuals around the world without congressional authorisation. That was ingenious. How did you pull it off? No due process! How is the court case challenging your drone strategy going? Is it still going on? My intelligence officers knew nothing about the court case brought by a soldier against you. You even beat or convinced the courts to keep Obamacare, but these so-called judges won’t even permit me to issue immigration orders. The courts and the media were very kind to you. That is what I want to know; the art of the deal.
Obama: You see, Mr President, you have to travel in your own lane. To endear yourself you have named everything “American”. “Make America Great Again”, ” American Healthcare Act”; “America First”. Welcome to “America” Mr President. You are dealing with the real America. Not America of campaign slogans and dreams and fake news and of the nationalist Archie Bunker mentality. Mr President, take time to know “America”. Take time to know the real Americans. There is no blue or red America, there is no them or us, there is no white or black AMERICA. There is just the United States of America.
Trump: That speech again! What are you talking about, Obama?
Continues next week
The author teaches Criminal Law and Law of Evidence. He also writes imaginary movie scripts. Reach him via:
munyonzwe.hamalengwa@zaou.ac.zm