DRAMA AT THE HIGH COURT: “RITUALISTS” TURN OUT TO BE PLASTIC WASHERS

DRAMA AT THE HIGH COURT: “RITUALISTS” TURN OUT TO BE PLASTIC WASHERS

Panic erupted this morning when reports surfaced of ritualists bathing at the High Court. The story spread faster than a market fight, with Lusaka residents speculating everything from political juju to a sequel of Black Panther.

Social media detectives went into overdrive, with hashtags like #HighCourtHoodoo and #DrainageRituals trending within hours. One viral post even claimed the men were “summoning spirits to delay court cases”. Zambians, being Zambians, couldn’t resist. “Next time, summon water bills to disappear!” one user quipped.

But when the police arrived at the so-called crime scene, the suspense deflated like a kachasu-filled bicycle tire. Instead of cloaked figures chanting in ancient tongues, they found four barefoot men scrubbing plastic containers in a drainage puddle. Yes, dear readers – it wasn’t a ritual, just a case of Zambia’s never-ending hustle.

The suspects – Boyd Ngosa (28), James Banda (39), Dismas Sakala (36), and Francis Kasote (33) – were promptly apprehended and now face charges of conduct likely to cause a breach of peace. Their alleged crime? Turning an ordinary drainage puddle into Lusaka’s most talked-about “witchcraft hotspot.”

One officer, speaking under anonymity, couldn’t hold back his laughter. “At first, I thought we were dealing with Satanists. Turns out, these guys were just washing containers for resale. We’ve seen it all now!”

The infamous location, a broken drainage system near the High Court roundabout surrounded by three peculiar islands, has now been dubbed “The Triangle of Confusion”. Regular street vendors in the area were quick to defend the suspects. “Those guys are always there cleaning their plastics,” said one vendor. “It’s not rituals – it’s survival. If you think that’s witchcraft, try surviving in Lusaka!”

Meanwhile, the internet isn’t letting this story rest. A parody song titled “Puddle Boys Anthem” has already emerged, along with memes featuring captions like, “Not everything wet is spiritual.” One creative entrepreneur even launched a new T-shirt line: “Drainage Cleaning Squad – No Rituals, Just Hustle.”

The four men remain in custody, but the real question on everyone’s mind is: who broke the drainage in the first place?

KUMWESU DEC 8, 2024