John Steenhuisen Says He Now Feels Like He Is Being Treated Like All the Other DA Black Leaders Before Him
CAPE TOWN — Former DA leader and former Agriculture Minister John Steenhuisen has confessed that he now understands the mysterious career path previously travelled by several high-profile black DA leaders.
Speaking after finding himself on the receiving end of internal political drama, Steenhuisen stared into the distance and whispered, “I used to think it was just them… now I think the party has a loyalty rewards programme.”
According to insiders, Steenhuisen spent the weekend binge-reading the political biographies of Mmusi Maimane and Lindiwe Mazibuko, pausing every few pages to mutter, “This storyline feels strangely familiar.”
Friends say he even called Maimane for advice.
“Mmusi answered the phone with, ‘I was wondering when you’d call.'”
Steenhuisen allegedly replied, “Do they always start by saying they’re just having ‘difficult conversations’?”
Maimane reportedly answered, “That’s Chapter One.”
Lindiwe Mazibuko is said to have responded with nothing more than a laughing emoji and the contact details for Harvard University.
Meanwhile, newly elected DA leader Geordin Hill-Lewis reportedly walked into headquarters carrying a broom, assuring everyone it was “just for spring cleaning.”
Staff immediately hid their office chairs.
Former DA leader Tony Leon, who has publicly denied influencing ministers or internal party decisions, allegedly looked around in confusion.
“I don’t pull strings,” he supposedly said. “Apparently they just keep tying themselves together.”
The invisible strings immediately instructed their lawyers to prepare a statement.
Political analysts joked that the DA leadership handbook now comes with a complimentary stress ball, a resignation template and a coupon for therapy.
Even the office coffee machine reportedly requested that nobody drag it into the controversy.
“I make cappuccinos,” it said. “Not cabinet reshuffles.”
At press time, Steenhuisen was reportedly searching online for:
– “Support groups for former DA leaders.”
– “How to tell if you’re in the sequel.”
– “Does Harvard offer political recovery programmes?”
– “Can internal party drama be claimed as a tax deduction?”
Meanwhile, South Africans were said to be enjoying the spectacle with popcorn in hand, insisting that no streaming service has ever produced a political drama with this many plot twists.
John Steenhuisen Says He Now Feels Like He Is Being Treated Like All the Other DA Black Leaders Before Him
