Trump Disappointed to Learn SA Refugees Have No Farming Expertise:
“They Were Just a Bunch of Car Guards,” He Says
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has surprised absolutely no one except himself, U.S. President Donald J. Trump expressed profound disappointment this week upon discovering that the first group of South African refugees admitted under his much-hyped “Mission South Africa” initiative are, in fact, not sun-bronzed farmers wearing khakis and chewing on straw, but rather a loose collection of ex-car guards, part-time rappers, and one guy named Bradley who claims to have “almost bought a tractor once.”
Trump, who launched “Mission South Africa” back in March with all the subtlety of a malfunctioning megaphone, had promised a fast track to U.S. citizenship for “hardworking white farmers who are having their land taken away — it’s very sad, very unfair, the worst land stuff ever.” The program was meant to provide sanctuary for those fleeing “horrible” conditions, despite the South African government’s insistence that no one was actually being chased off their property with pitchforks and ominous violin music.
“They told me they were farmers. Tremendous farmers. The best farmers — you’ve never seen farmers like this,” Trump told reporters Tuesday while wandering aimlessly through a Home Depot garden section. “Then they get here and it’s like, none of them even knows how to start a John Deere. One guy thought ‘irrigation’ was a TikTok challenge.”
According to unnamed White House insiders (who spoke under strict anonymity because they are currently hiding in a supply closet), Trump was “visibly shaken” when the first planeload of South African refugees disembarked in Ohio wearing skinny jeans, sunglasses, and clutching signs that read “We were told there’d be Chick-fil-A.”
The President’s initial attempts to assign them to farms in rural Iowa were met with confusion and mild outrage.
“I thought we were coming to America for, you know, opportunity, freedom, and maybe a shot at becoming an influencer,” said Jaco, 26, a former car guard from Johannesburg now residing in a Nebraska barn. “I’ve never even touched a cow. I mean, once. At a petting zoo. But that was for a Tinder date.”
One refugee, Corné, had a more entrepreneurial spirit. “I told Mr. Trump I can’t farm, but I can direct traffic in any parking lot, anywhere, in any weather.
SourceThe News Vine South Africa
Trump Disappointed to Learn SA Refugees Have No Farming Expertise
